Thursday, November 15, 2018

You are Enough

It's been nearly over 4 years since I looked at this blog. So much has happened.

I had and left a desk job. I lost and rediscovered my artistic calling. I modeled for a big company campaign. I started and paused doing Burlesque. I started studying acting again. I started doing background work again. I'm doing things that scare me, like Improv. I've worked on a few small projects.

I also got married to the love of my life under a total solar eclipse.
No biggie.

But where does that leave me now?

This year was a wake up call to DO THE THING. SAY YES. 

I still struggle with this, but every time I say no, there is someone there to call me on my bullshit, which is hard to take. Really. I put up a fight each time to defend my excuses. Sometimes it takes me days to see how crappy I was being. It's rough.

I started off my year with an intro workshop at The Groundlings School in Los Angeles. Not gonna lie - it was scary. It's been a struggle for me since I was a teenager to do Improv. Being someone that likes to get things the first time, it was frustrating and insanity to have things go "wrong" all the time. I threw myself into the deep end with this and told myself to just do it. I did alright and learned about myself. Certainly, I would not say I'm an amazing improv actor, but I've gotten SO MUCH BETTER. 

For so much of my adult life, it's been like starving when it comes to theatre, acting and creative things. I'm nourishing myself again, but it takes practice for it to feel like home again. And the process is challenging, but it's not anything I'm not up for!

I also got myself registered as a background actor at Central Casting, Jeff Olan Casting and Sande Alessi Casting. It's been slow, but each time has been awesome. 

I did the second episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend years ago now, and my friends saw me on TV, sending me pictures of their screens. It felt so silly to feel good about something so small. But it did feel good. 

I was also a face for the clothing line from Torrid, plus size fashion. In 2015, they had a campaign called #MyStoryMyTorrid and I was really fortunate enough to be picked. It was a really thrilling adventure. I had not really done any modeling up to this point, but know I would do it again in a heartbeat.

This picture was HUGE and hung in windows all over the county. CRAZY.

It was at this time that I was exploring myself as a Burlesque performer. It's an amazing high and wonderful to be the creator of your own work that people want to see. I've not done too much of it the last year or so, and I think it has a lot to do with my self-confidence.

The Halloween show two years ago at Monday Night Tease!

Jumping ahead to this year... so far, I've done background work on Brooklyn 99 and the Lethal Weapon series, performed in a spoken word piece that I still haven't seen and is going through the festival circuit, and went to as many intro and free classes as I could to find looking for an acting studio that could take me from terrified of auditioning on camera to having fun again. 

I also finished recording a book I started last year. The Halloween Tree went up right before Halloween this year, and just yesterday I was informed that I did not pronounce Samhain correctly... All my time on this earth, and I didn't know how to say this. WELL, it will just have to live that way in my humility forever.

I constantly have to tell myself - what have I got to lose? I am learning ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting and exhilarating.

In September I started taking and have really loved classes from Robin Dale Meyers at the Margie Habor Studio in West Hollywood. The improvements are leaps and bounds. My confidence has been finding it's way back to my heart.

The first class when I saw my filmed face... I wanted to run out screaming. Who the fuck would want to watch that fat face not be interesting or listening?

Well, I'm working on the fatness, but the interesting and listening? Getting so much better. Visibly so. I'm no Meryl Streep, but I could actually be cast in something now and it would be alright!

Anyway. Thanks for reading this far. Keep an eye on my twitter and instagram for updates on what I'm working on :)


Friday, August 15, 2014

Thinking about Robin Williams

This has been a tough week. A lot of people have said it... I've mostly kept it inside. At first, afraid I was being silly about how devastated I felt and how unreasonably hard this news hit me. I don't feel I should keep it bottled up anymore. I wrote this on Monday, but haven't had the heart to be able to post it. Here it is:

Monday August 11, 2014
I had many idols growing up: nearly all of them were men - men I aspired to be and to work with someday. Gene Kelly and Michael Jackson inspired me to pursue song and dance; Mr. Rogers inspired and taught me how my imagination would serve me and keep me alive in my heart and mind throughout my life; Dan Rather inspired me to seek truth and gather information; John Candy and Robin Williams taught and inspired me with laughter.

Robin, however, was the one that was my decision maker when I was 8 or so years old. I wanted to make people laugh like him. My mom and dad would laaaaugh at his movies and always rewatch them. I knew I was an entertainer, but after seeing Robin, I wanted to be the comic - even more of a ham than I already was! I wanted to BE HIM. I felt I had a chance since my dad was rather goofy and his type of humor were very similar to Robins... Just not quite as manic. 

My dad is at the top of this list of male idols. My dad is a sensitive, genuine, hard-working man. He is everything I wanted to be. I wanted to be the farmer like he was, I wanted to be the computer nerd and technician he was, I wanted to be strong and thoughtful like him. I've always had a tendency for the sensitive men, and I think it's because my dad - while being "the man", he was still full of emotion, gentleness and kindnesses. I searched for that trait in others, and I think I found more good idols because of the groundwork he laid for me to understand people as a whole. 

I guess this goes back to how men are viewed culturally as unemotional, weak and negative if they cry or have feelings. The whole "be a man" or "man up" or the use of "feminine traits" as something negative leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. In addition to the role model of my father, Robin was a someone that felt like a second dad, a godfather, an uncle, a kindred spirit, and was so influential in my decision to pursue entertainment. I remember watching him and saying outloud: "I'm going to be a comic like Robin." I aspired to work with all my idols... But like people do, life happens, and one by one, my idols left this plane of existence. 

Even most of my feminine idols, Madeline Kahn, Gilda Radner, Whitney Houston, Mother Teresa, are all gone. 

Robin was my last childhood entertainment idol - someone I was sure I would meet, someone I was sure I would have the absolute pleasure of sharing a theatrical moment with, a smile, a scene, a wonderment... That light went dim today. My Christmas light strand is nearing the point where most people would give up replacing bulbs and just toss the strand... But I can't. The hope and inspiration they brought and continue to bring me remind me that meeting them wasn't the goal, just the icing on the cake. I can still have that cake and it will be lovely, I'm sure, but I will know what I missed having lost the opportunity to work with these folks.

Robin was my concrete moment where I decided to pursue my dreams. Thank you for the laughter and tears. I can't help but feel that What Dreams May Come is some kind of ironic, cruel foreshadowing. One of my favorites of his - makes you laugh, makes you cry. I won't pretend to be someone that has seen all his work, because I haven't. But I will keep seeing movies of his, stand-up and television. His charm and humanity is immortal on film.

Thank you, Robin. I will miss you.


(NOTE: I have one idol still with us: Dan Rather is still around, and I still have aspirations to meet him and share a moment with him. His search for truth and general curiosity are still strong and inspiring. Till, then - Dan Rather, journalist and inspiration.)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Go go go go goooooooooo already!

The never ending battle with weight loss.  Just when you think you have things under control... wham! You're whale sized again. Even being mostly a vegetarian who doesn't eat fast food, drink soda, smoke or drink excessively... it's disheartening. I know I am "healthy" but my body just refuses to let anything go.  I've added more walking to my regimen, so we'll see if that helps.

The biggest disappointment is in myself though.  I need to just get out there, fat or not.  Audition, send out my pictures, even with a double chin... I need to just do it and stop being afraid that I'm not good enough because I'm overweight.  I know I'm a good actress and performer.  I just need the opportunity.


Check out my website for updates on performances as they come up!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Official Site!

If you would so kind as to click through to the Official Site, I would be ever so pleased =)


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

bye bye fats

in the immortal words of Embley, "this is my last fat birthday"

because seriously... i'm sick of it.  i'm tired of being sad when i look in the mirror and i'm tired of being tired.  i want to be awesome and energetic.

so, with this thought in mind, i'm off to yoga.  because, really, with being unemployed with a bajillion hours on my hands, there really is no excuse not to.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I'm watching a series on Netflix called 100 Years of Horror narrated by Christopher Lee and started watching the episode about Aliens.  They started to refer to the original movie "The Thing" and I was reminded of watching that movie with my Uncle Brent when I was 8 or 9 and it scaring me so much.  He was always one to watch science fiction with my sister and I, and let us watch scary movies that my parents wouldn't let us watch.  I know my parents ragged on him when she and I would have nightmares later, but it brings such warm, fond memories of times with him.

I miss him terribly.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Story-Boarding Is Hard

Especially when you want to convey something strong, meaningful and important and all you can draw are stick figures =(

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Hungry for Art?

Just one of the catch phases we've held onto at the Hunger Artists Theatre Company in Fullerton, California.  I've felt very fortunate to be able to do shows there since 2008.  It feels like an escape.

I was in college from 2002-2006 and didn't get to really actually do any acting since I was never good enough.   I was then unemployed, depressed and lonely from 2006-2008.  With no money, living with my parents and wanting to feel like I had something to offer I turned to the internet.

I kept trying to get involved in projects and never feeling like I was getting anywhere.  There were several projects that I found to do through Craigslist... some were super sketchy that I ended up abandoning them, and others where I have met some amazingly wonderful people.  The reason I turned to Craigslist in the first place was that commuting to Los Angeles in my old dying Volvo and then slowly imploding Corolla for auditions was just not proving to be cost effective.  I was more overweight then, I accept that, but now I am actually making an effort to look the part of a "Los Angeles Actress."  So maybe commuting to LA here in a little while will prove more lucrative than it did then.

Of course, I don't mean this...
Hahaha, man I love Skeletor!
No, no, no... I mean more the starving Ethiopian child look.
I just want to keep my boobs, ya know?  I don't want to look like I would kill someone for a cheezeburger.
Towards the end of my Craigslist ventures, I was working temp receptionist jobs at Abigail Abbott and making a little headway.  Finally, I was able to get a stable job mid 2008, which came in turn with my first principle role in a show in 6 years.  I played 2 (and some nights 3) roles in Carryl Churchill's TOP GIRLS at Hunger Artist Theatre Company under the Direction of Mary-Anne Mosher.  I was so grateful and so happy to be a part of something (even though the play itself is not my favorite.)  From then on, I just kept showing up.  (The play "Preview" for Top Girls is linked on my Youtube page.)

I went on to do small parts for a year just keeping busy in The Jungle Book and the Beyond Convention One Act Play Festivals.  Landing the role in Clive Barker's Frankenstein In Love directed by Andrew Vonderschmitt was a very larger undertaking.  While the show did well, there were definitely some flaws that could not be saved.  I felt I had done the best I could, but I still felt miserable, like I had failed somehow.

At least I looked hot ;D

It was during this show that I also got to try my hand at Burlesque with the Orange County Underground Burlesque Society with my character, Bunny Gadget.  I wish I had more opportunities to do that kind of work.  I had so much fun!

I went on to do our Greek Festival where we did Lysistrata and Oedipus in repertory.  I still did the yearly One Act Festival Beyond Convention, but I was kind of feeling low again.  I had put on weight and feeling lowly.

January of 2011 started out really well with getting a role in The Wedding Singer at the Maverick Theatre in Fullerton under the direction of Curtis Jerome.  I hadn't done a musical since high school and I was in WAY over my head.  I loved it though, even though there were so many awful life altering things happening outside the safety of the theatre - it was my sanctuary.  I still kept showing up at Hunger though... the Red Light Revue made its Debut in February and I was in love!

I think that brings us up to date on Theatrical ventures... =)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I have a muse and he yelled at me through my speakers.

I have an idea, but I don't know if it's possible.  It's been on my mind all day while I was at work.  It came to me this morning while I was driving... I couldn't escape the story.
I wanted to pull over immediately and start writing, but I couldn't.
I wanted to write every word that blazed behind my eyes, but I couldn't.
I had to beat the clock.  I had to get to work.
I paced anxiously in my head all day.  Each free moment daydreaming what should come next, maybe it should be switched, no, that should go second...

After listening to this album for weeks on a loop in my car, a heartfelt talk with my love a couple of days ago... I finally had something I wanted to share.  Not yet though... not here.  I need to keep writing by hand and gestate these feelings and messages.

In the meantime, you should check out when our late show has their next performances.  The Red Light Revue currently housed in Fullerton at the Hunger Artist Theatre Company, is a gothic, vaudeville variety late show with some magic and some tricks ;D  I haven't had so much fun with a show in so long and all the performers are amazing.  We get fantastic guest artists as well as have a beautiful and talented core cast.  Check us out!  Next shows are in August =)

Also, I love my blue hair.  I really do.  It's been a part of me for over 3 years now.  I'm not leaving it, just taking a break and trying out white =)  We'll see how it goes =)
For old time's sake:

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Play House - Long Beach, California - September 2009

A year or so ago, my dear girlfriend Em and I did a little project at her mom's house in Seal Beach.  She posted her video on VIMEO.  This particular piece was projected onto a wall-frame and titled A Portrait of Zen Josey In Three Parts.

It showed in an old furniture warehouse in Long Beach, California for an event called Play House (conceived by Bahareh Eb).  You can read a small blog on the event.  And a review of the show as a whole can be read HERE.

The video was a projected into a lit up frame 8x10 feet, I would guesstimate, with small shadowboxes along the sides holding jewelery and make-up from the piece itself.  It looped all evening, much like the dance pieces that looped throughout the venue.  The complete dances looped about 3 or 4 times, I would say, through the course of the evening.  My darling friend, Andrew, was one of the dances in these pieces and was beautiful and graceful as always.  And oddly enough, I met up with an old friend from middle school who was playing live music for the last part of the dance piece that ended on the first floor of the building.  The ambiance was cozy and old and I just loved the whole thing.  Overall, the evening I attended holds very fond memories for me.
Filming the piece was fun as well.  I met up at Em's house in Seal Beach for a few hours where we rearranged the dining room, cleared out space in the garage and tried to find the best angle in the shower.  Overall, it was a very spiritual and cathartic piece for me and I am deeply grateful to Em for making me a part of it.